Sunday, April 25, 2010

She Buried Her Father, I Buried My Dream.



It's been a week of high drama. Two separate plots have made a deep impression in me during that single timeframe:
the passing away of my close friend's father,
and the near-achievement of a long-cherished yearning.

In the end, it is dreams which have come back to aid me in their role of comforting, and guiding us with their deeper wisdom.


Exactly a week ago, I visited Uncle Albert in University Hospital. He was Giovana's father, and she is the closest thing I have to a sister. Over a year of fighting with nose cancer had reduced this macho man to nothing more than a vessel of pain. I thought it better for Gio to be away from his heart-wrenching moans, so we went for a walk.
That was the last time I saw him alive.

Just an hour later, I sat with my own father at dinner. Wanting to make the best use of those few hours we spend together each week, I blurted out the mains of the Vienna Opera Ball - and that I wanted to go. Didn't have to wait long to know I hadn't started right. Or that maybe there was no right way to tell it, any way I tried.

I came home and sat on the proposal for two days. Yes, I sent a proposal to my own father explaining the Ball that takes place in the Vienna State Opera only once a year, making it the most prestigious Ball in the birthplace of the Viennese Waltz... doesn't get better than that.
Two years ago I learnt about this... and stored it away as one of the things to pursue when the time came. And now it has come, in the form of Reinhard Polt - my chance to be a debutante in Vienna come 3rd March 2011.

Once-in-a-lifetime; this is no exaggeration, for the Austrian Embassy is narrowing down the number of international debutantes starting 2012, and anyway after this chance I'll be too old come out of uni to dance as a debutante... the age limit is from 15 to 22.
Everything looked ripe for the picking, my dream was glistening and taking solid form in the palm of my hand; all I had to do was curl my fingers around it...

It was the hardest No in my life. Truly and honestly. How can I make you understand the crumbling of castles around your eyes that I experienced on Wednesday night?
Just like the mirror proposal, I'd put together a meticulous document under three-and-a-half hours. The next day, what I understood was that I'd been given the green light but then it turned out to be a glaring red. I got the first inkling of a misunderstanding, followed by horror seeping in and eroding the dream like acid. It was also the worst non-shouting scolding my father has given me. Of course it wasn't just about the Ball. Of course there were other things tied in to the issue; that's always been the way my family fights.
So there's one good proposal, and one sh*t - according to him. He has never sworn at me before. That's why I couldn't cry yet; I was too angry.
But I broke down after he hung up.



Next night: Thursday
Attended the memorial service of my sister's father - my first Christian one. It was decidedly cheerful - fullhouse party, anyone? - though the eulogies reminded us of our solemn reason for gathering. Was excited when Gio's turn approached; she was nervous, but I thought she could do it. Her speech was humorous in opening, unintentionally lengthy in closing, but the thing that made us all proud of her was her composure which strengthened with every line uttered.
It made me think. I'd been encouraged to still send in my debutante application that morning; just in case my father changed his mind before September. I was tempted; I still hoped. But it was there I saw what I needed to do: how could I chance further displeasure from him through disobedience if I ever wanted to speak with the same confidence my sister did? For all my financial stability, Gio has showed me the peace that comes with the secure knowledge of her father leaving for a better place. If mine were to go now, I couldn't say the same. And I want that kind of memorial service for my father. I want it for him, that his mortal suffering will not pale in comparison to his eternal damnation; I want it for myself, that I need not remain behind in regret and pain every passing day.

So, visions of white gloves up to my elbows, Swavroski tiara on cascading spirals, rose posy in my hand and waltzing all night in a stunning gown; I bury you.



And what of dreams which flit through our slumbering minds?
It was actually a dream on Thursday night that made me take a stand on the Ball conundrum. I dreamt of choosing a packet of gourmet-chicken-filled-buns for dinner with my mom. I'd put down my chocolate drink momentarily, boba pearls at the bottom.

When I woke up, I understood.
Meat represents learning from life experiences; I was to take last night's lesson at the memorial service to heart.
Chocolate, which comes under sweets, can be interpreted two ways: the one that applies to me now is the need to focus on the basics - I'll feel less inclined to wish after what I do not need.

Just like that, God has supplied me the answer I needed.


Yesterday's ballroom workshop was more tiring but also more fun! Met a few interesting ladies - again I was thought to have learnt ballet previously - and polished up our waltz, rock'n'roll, and cha cha. Highlight of yesterday was doing the Viennese Waltz with Mr. Polt. Like what I've read, it really felt like we were flying across the floor! I never thought my legs could actually think on their own - because certainly my mind wasn't keeping up with the increase in pace, it was probably gaping at my legs' independence! And then he lifted me up into the air and I descended with a swirl of my skirt. Sans ballgown, sans tiara... but still, something I've wanted to do all my life.


Friday, April 16, 2010

"Heart, stop aching."



I was kneeling down to scoop rice into the pot, and she whipped my face with the kitchen towel in her hand. She hates you. She hates everything you've done to her, and she's displacing that hate onto me whenever I remind her of you.

Is there any guy who can handle my issues? No one as yet. That's why I choose to stand solo, holding myself together. It's not like another pair would know how to.




On another matter, it's been a long time since I've felt this kind of fear. The kind that makes me want to swerve, pull back, to avoid facing it.

We didn't manage to get enough people for the ballroom workshop.
Which most likely meant Mr. Polt would call it off. He isn't called Dance Master for nothing, is he? Should probably spend his time on things more important than a little Dance Club who can't even meet his minumum requirement in numbers.


Actually, to me, 'Dance Master' meant someone who appreciates the art enough to carry the love that comes with it wherever he goes. Someone who sees beyond the red tape and protocol because he can't help but share his knowledge with those who earnestly seek it.

I averted my eyes when his reply came. Now was the time to shrink into a furball and get vacuumed into ignorance.
I put the phone away as I went about my chores.


I knew I'd be able to deal with it; in my head I was prepared to send out cancellation texts with sincere apologies, notify Subang to remove the invitation, and shoulder the responsibility of taking the blame. Just like a President should.

Half an hour later I dared myself to look it full on. And learnt a lesson in self-inflicted suffering. It was the kindest text and brought tears to my eyes as I registered his promise, "You can count on me!" In short, he was saying he knew I'd done my best... and he'd do his too. It was the miracle I'd told Carmen we needed, this morning.


We'll meet you in spirit, sir.




Heart, stop aching. I know it's been a sore day, but you've got to keep on beating. So I can live for tomorrow.





Thank you, God. So much.


Love Game



"Nicole, I know you're tempted to have your finger in every pie and to make copies of all those documents so you can know the littler details, but don't. Keep your head in the CAL game."















Love,

your better self.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

So This is What it Means, to Have Your Heart on Paper...



Sunday
Led Jaf all the way to Sunway Pyramid to watch Alice in Wonderland 'cause it wasn't showing anywhere else anymore. But the ticket still cost 12 bucks! Suspect. - -
Found the world within the movie fairly fascinating, especially since I never finished reading the books. Ended the Day Off with my first foot reflexology massage, in an Uptown outlet with pleasant lighting and pretty curtains.



Monday
LAN project photoshoot in the library. Of all places, you may think. Unless you've seen our library, then you pretty much may abolish that thought.



Douglas and Yang Kang in a broil.



The kiss and make up.



Slid one shoe off 'cause afraid of getting told off by librarian, haha.
Was actually surprised no one chased us away for climbing onto the table.



Mm hmm.



Carmen's solo shot for credits.



Mine; for once my nose looks remotely sharp.



It's a LAN project; so yeah, 1Malaysia.



'B'ecause I'm caught between the reasons not to, and the maybe's of what could be.


Stepped into ECA office, had trouble extricating myself from it,
scooted off to Midvalley for more hanging out! Before that we'd taken lunch at a yummeh Korean place in Desa Sri Hartamas - another one of my enjoyable walk-in attempts.

We were late for collection of tix. Parked at my least fav lot (Zone G) and dashed for the counters.
Carmen and I bought a new set at the reservation counter, then started looking for Hong Onn and YK. I was just saying, "Hope they haven't bought another set on their own...", when Carmen twisted her head to check the regular counters. And spotted the very pair.
What ensued was like a scene out of a TV drama, with Carmen yelling their names and myself doing the inevitable "StOPpPpPp!!!" while sprinting past stunned onlookers. Drama sial.

Well, The Lovely Bones was worth the chaos. Heavy stuff. It had amazing writers who made us smile,
laugh,
cry,
clutch out companions in suspense,
and tear up again
before another lighthearted twist.
All happened seamlessly. More of a thriller and less of the weepy-story I'd thought it would be. The graphics in 'heaven' were quite attractive, but the movie could've avoided being draggy by cutting down on 'heaven' and flashback time.



Wednesday
Do you believe in love at first sip?
Until this day, I didn't.

But Bobalicious Smoothies took me by the heartstrings and looks to be master for a long time to come.
Their product fuses smoothies and bubble tea pearls - two of my favourite things on earth.
What's more, their smoothie is of the right slushy consistency (as all true smoothies should be) and their boba (that's what the pearls are made of) is chewy in the swellest degree, unlike those ripoff pearls which end up mushy and sticking to your teeth.


HellooOo sexayy.




Thursday
Met with the Austrian dance master who'll - God willing - be conducting our Ballroom Course; Reinhard Polt.

He towered over us, even our own Ms. Cheryl in heels. Had genial manners and a thick accent which was fortunately easier to understand in real life than over the phone. According to what I learnt on TV last time, this is because we subconsciously read people's lips when meeting them in person. Obviously, this is impossible on the phone.



His taxi took some time to find the college from Bangsar station, so we waited at the reception lounge. And that's where a very rewarding moment took place for me.

Mr. Rahul was approaching, I looked up to greet him, but it was snatched out of my mouth when he paused and said:

"Good proposal."

It was just one of those moments which tell you, heart and soul, that your effort has paid off and your fears unfounded.

I'd toiled for hours tailoring that proposal in the wee hours of a March night,
looking up and comparing formats,
fleshing out a skeleton of points,
reading and rereading,
pruning paragraphs,
and most of all - writing with my heart.
Truly had no clue how 'formal' the formal proposal had to be; was expecting to get corrected by any one of the higher authorities for letting emotion seep through my writing, but I kept the 'emotional' lines which embodied my sentiments whole.

And there we have it, the proposal for the mirror that's gonna be here for the next dozen generations of dancers. Even though I may never train for competition in front of it... This has been my vision for the Club this year. And next year I want them to take it further; use this mirror well and do something we couldn't before it came.
Turn it into the heart and home of all our dancers.



Now the stress is focused on the upcoming ballroom course - can we find enough people in time?
I really, really want to learn and go to Vienna for the real ball. Or at least just learn for the love of dancing.

Being here has taught me so much. I thank God for placing me in this role though I'd once tried to slip out of it. And a few times after, I'd questioned my will to continue in this position.
My head declared I couldn't take it; my heart said stay.


Monday, April 12, 2010

You Give Me Pomelo-atic Dreams



Third time's the charm, or so they say.
It certainly was a thrill to be able to accept TDC's third party invite last Friday, to celebrate Ian's birthday.



Lien Siaw and I drove over to Sierramas East and waited ages thinking we were at Sierramas West. T.T
That didn't dampen our spirits, though. The guests from TDC were so hospitable, it set us at ease soon enough.

Note: Lien Siaw wearing Chia Sern's glass-less specs.



It really warms my heart to recall how readily they extended their arms to welcome us ThDC reps.



Chia Sern lost the geeky specs, and I nearly believed he was wrongly tagged on Fb when I saw his photo the night before.

He was so hungry he started picking on the closest thing to him - which, before the biscuits came, happened to be me. Lol, just kidding. But it's true the guys began teasing me loong before Yee Fai and his carload of seven appeared on the scene.



I was standing on a ledge. =)
He's actually kinda tall.



Sushi served, in addition to satay, pasta, pizza and salad.



Well, the boys were so into making fun of Yee Fai and I that when the fellow in question really showed up, I felt like hiding under the table haha.
Yes. That table.

In the foreground we have Derek (a junior)
and Mabel (perky senior).



When I saw him, the first thing that crossed my mind was
He looks so tired...

And he really was. Two hours in one of KL's horrendous jams is no walk in the park.
He grabbed a quick bite and then curled up - but we'd give him no rest. X)



All bow to Master Fai!



Hilarious. He woke up and we scattered like ants from a descending shoe.



Besides my uncle's, I've never seen a grand piano in anyone's house before.



Sheng trying to appear less noob than he actually is, at the piano. =P



Then Ian brought down his saxophone and demo-ed.



*Flying kisses from TDC*



"Is the temperature alright, ma'am?"

Rofl! Jake getting a 'hair perm' from Ian and Chia Sern.



The Avatar pose I complied with.
An exhausted Yee Fai in the background.



Alan and Gosu were lobbying all night for this cause. - -''
That Alan, popping up at every opportunity to steer me towards Fai Fai.



Birthday gifts:
Ian with the vibrating headrest from Lien Siaw,
and one complicated, belted jacket (obviously chosen by girls)
above a simple, striped hoodie (obviously selected by guys).


ThDC left early, before even getting to see Ken Ming, Daniel and the rest.
Well at least they had a blast that night, and shared the first slice with us.
=)


Saturday, April 10, 2010

As The River Flows



Tuesday, Carmen took me on a long-promised excursion to Decanter. I sat happily in the passenger seat looking about at the National Science Centre from sides I'd never seen before. Soon I found myself in Bukit Damansara and continued noting places of interest while Carmen drove around in circles trying to pinpoint Decanter's location.

At 3.01pm, we pulled up triumphantly at the shopfront.

And gaped at the ironically cheerful blackboard announcing they were closed for cleaning at 3pm that day.
Honestly!!
I was rather let down; the white wooden framework was exactly my cup of tea, and the menu seemed equally inviting. A waiter, clearly amused by our plight, told us we could go over to the other Decanter at Setiakasih - just a few roads away.

So we took heart and began the hunt once more.

Alas, it was obviously a pub and not the sort of place for a sunshiney lunch like we wanted. This time was no dismay, though, for nearby beckoned an understated establishment simply named The Bread Shop.



The name was enough to pull us in.



I found the exterior deceptively simple,
speaking nought of the stylish atmosphere within.



What a sight. The interior kept to the minimalist theme, but was tastefully done up in black, distressed metal and shades of wood lending their warmth.

It was a place with pastries screaming "take-me-home!"



No need for a fancy signboard outside, I now understood.
It had an obviously loyal clientele; I gathered by observing a steady stream of poised expatriates and trendy moms come to buy the bread after picking up their Sri Cempakan children.



And for good reason too;
our tea spread came close to RM50.

Now, don't let the prices take away your appetite,



the Mango Cheese Chicken Croissant was decidedly tasty!
Its cheese was melted into the bread, a move surreptitious enough to please anti-diary-product consumers like me!



Scones for the price of two lunches.
Would you like those with cream and jam?
Of course. Don't they always come together?

Apparently not here. A serving of clotted cream means an extra RM1, and for jam it's RM2.
The jam was slightly bitter compared to those in other teahouses, but together with the cream it was still good.



Hot cross buns. Real hot cross buns.
That's all I could think when I saw them behind the glass.

Before I'd swallowed my first mouthful, I realised I'd tasted this before...
A familiar aroma similar to that of a freshly painted house filled my nostrils and I forced myself to down the next several bites.
Next time, I'll just say it once.
Hot cross buns.



Cinnamon Swirl was named after two of my favourite things on earth though, so of course I ordered it.
And enjoyed it, nonwithstanding its tad excess in sweetness.

I only consider the Iced Chocolate a ripoff. There was nothing, nothing out of the ordinary to justify its above-average price tag. Just the usual cupful of milk with normal-grade chocolate syrup at the bottom.


All in all, a lovely outing.
I delight in driving wherever the road takes us, and stumbling upon exciting new eateries. Preferably the quintessential cafe.
Mmmm~



Return to the geeky retainers. X)
Two back molars growing at the same time, making it necessary to wear them full-time.

Varied response to them in college, ranging from:
"Since when...?"
and
"It's cool."
to
*Unrelenting shake of the head*

=) Well, at least now I can explain the sudden crookedness in my bottom row of teeth!


Thursday, April 8, 2010

In Hand



Just booked my tickets for West Side Story, mid-AS.

It.feels.so.good!


Growing Like A Bamboo Shoot



Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should live their lives, but none about his or her own.

-The Alchemist-


Finally, I'm reading it! After years and months of putting it off. Yesterday I decided to treat myself to taking this hotcake home - to celebrate the end of AS trials. And before that, a group of us popped down to Pavilion for How to Train Your Dragon which - awww darnit - had some pretty cute dragons featured. Storyline was typical of a son-railing-against-father's-expectations tale, but the fanciful life of dragons - their characteristics, behaviour - engaged the audience well enough to compensate.



The boys cramming in for aircond while waiting for Vinna to change her outfit and pick us up.

Faces from left to right are of Aaron, Abhinav and Yohan.
Imran, Hari and Douglas are somewhere behind them. X)



Hmmm I think this was Aaron on Douggie.


Came back in time for another fruitful meeting with my organising committee for the Club's soon-to-be charity concert. I love how these occasions end up teaching me so much - in fact, my only vexation is how long everyone takes to show up. Precious time is lost!
Interviewing the committee members one by one allowed me to see from an employer's point of view; began to suss out the necessity of the questions which often make the interviewee squirm in their seat.
Interesting, really.


Strange-woman-who-smiles-at-me (how Red Indian is my vocab these days) seems to have joined the ranks of the remarkable people I've met in college; most of whom seem to be meant for a pitifully short term at TCSH.
These who have impacted me on a personal level include Ms. Thinking Skills (from scarily brilliant to respectfully human), Mr. Lee (the funniest, most candid Math lecturer) and - never forgotten - Ms. Ratnes (the best teacher I've ever had). I hate how the last three are all going, going, gone. At least we still have the powerhouse Ms. Anne for Lit!
Here's something I realise they have in common: all are highly experienced in their field, and that's what garnered my initial respect. But all also have personalities and attitudes which stand to firmly prop up their intellectual prowess - no wishy washy giggling here.


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Of Ads and Building Blocks



Lately, an ad has caught my eye repeatedly and every time I read it, I snigger, or laugh, or smile. Different responses, but inside is the same admiration for the people behind the ad - especially its writers.

The only other ad to attract my attention this way was the Nike one featuring Josiah Ng, two years ago. I loved the tone of absolution in its lines; the chalky explosion of graphics behind my then-most-admired-sportsman, and the ending realisation of "I am... Courage." giving me that prod in the chest to wake up and see:
I needed to be brave enough to say No to my weaknesses. To want to break away from them. The distractions, the procrastination, the whatever that was keeping me from focusing on my SPM. That ad taught me that determination works the same way for a scholar as it does for a world-class athlete.



Now I'm starting to see where a major in Literature can take you. Not that I'm planning to do that. I'm pretty much set on Finance, Business or Economics. Just gotta sift through the finer details to know which I want. Or, I may discover something altogether different in the process. Like a returned interest in Fashion Marketing or some other. Accounting is something I could live with, but not choose to live for.

Back to the ad. Initially, I was merely drawn to the visual concept laid down - clean and uncluttered. I decided I liked it so much that I'd spend some time deciphering the tiny words the man figure seemed to be made up of. And boy, did it tickle me.



This ad has been critisized as feminist; misogynous, even.
But I snicker at the deadpan take on metrosexuality and, as quoted, "our genderless society" where there are now three options on official forms in some parts of the world:
Male or Female or Neither

I love the quaint reference to those "little old ladies" who "remain on one side of the street" as boys turn into self-centred, pruning creatures more concerned with turning heads than turning theirs to offer help.

And the remark on non-fat lattes and the salad bar?
Amusing, at the very least. Makes you think of the state the world has come to.



But I'm glad to affirm that there are still gentlemen bred into this generation. In one week alone, three different guys have held the door open as I traversed between carpark and college.
Note: All three were strangers. And one of them even waited as I was quite some distance away.
That was a little while back, but I'll remember it fondly to know that we ladies still have a chance of getting our gallant knight.






Necessity is the mother of invention. Necessity has found me a new approach to studying;
I call it block mugging.
Thought I could never do schedules, couldn't stick to one.
But with my self-invented method, I should be able to redeem myself in the one month left to AS.
Okay, so it may have been used by others before me, but at least I thought of it myself; not by reference to them, teehee.



I feel like I can go go go.
Oooooyeah.