Reacquaintance with the Manual

What's that feeling when you are so drained from within that breathing is just as tiring as not breathing? Something similar to dejection. Ah, that's it. Heartsick. Came to mind because I feel the drain happening from there. It's like trying to draw breath from a deep, deep pit and your lungs never really fill 'cause there's just too much darkness weighing down the air.

Where are the fragmented thoughts which used to spew from the tips of my fingers; the result of fragmented periods of existence? I feel them returning, as a shadow takes its turn from sunbeam at nightfall. I've been happy, last week. The kind of happy that people ordinarily don't think about, but which I wonder at.

So I'm back here once more.

Why the chosen post title? I thought it'd be fun to have a turn behind the wheel of a manual this evening. Hadn't touched one since passing the driving test, more than a year ago.
This was a jeep so square and masculine it seemed so foreign. Taut, black leather seats and a wide glass panel to see the road through, with funny little wipers I'd like to fix onto my umbrella. And doors which are pushed open by button, and slam shut of their own accord, so don't leave ur leg dangling out the chassis - or else.

Well, it was nearly as bad as learning from scratch. By the time I got into my own car, it felt like a welcome home. Sank into the perfectly moulded seat. Shut the door myself. Locked, handbraked down and changed gear. It felt like a toy car now. The comparison could be of one between beef jerky and putty. Turned the steering wheel - too hard - and took a few minutes to reaccustom to my ultra-sensitive brake. My head started spinning and I got onto the highway.

It's not about the driving episode. There were other things. It's about how nothing seems to progress though you seem to be trying so hard.

I came home and cried and tried to dance the tears away.

February

12th to 17th
Family vacation (mother's side) in Gold Coast, Australia. More precisely, on the Sovereign Islands just off Gold Coast. Not enough interesting eating done, I thought. But it was a rare occasion on which I enjoyed Thai food, since it was watered down for non-Asian taste. Did all my shopping on the second last day; never have I put all my shopping skills to such good use before - or been forced to!

It was actually stressful, but I knew that if I paced myself and moved fast, I could pull this off. Spending every dollar was the challenge - don't deny every thing that seems whimsical; don't purchase every thing that seems indispensable. I had to stretchhhh my dollars to last 'til the last souvenir, but at the same time accomodate the trinkets that came before I found it.
Champion purchase? Beautiful hardcover notebooks that I'll only use for something as important as my wedding week. XP And I found good dance pants there for RM21!! *Dies of joy*



20th
Movie night with Sean and Jaf:
Legion first. Rather creepy but at the same time its creepiness seemed generic. Monstrous beings scuttling along the ceiling, sinister music spelling out fatal mistake, and self-blame for another's death. But Paul Bethany was interesting to watch; there's something about his mouth which draws the eye.
Then Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief was a major disappointment. Waste of time, even. Well I don't think the other Greek mythology flick of the year (Clash of the Titans) will turn out this bad. =) It's about time; I've liked Greek mythology for years.
Left MV for Yann's CNY open house. Mandarins are somewhat addictive. *So are ang pau's* XP

Mostly this year I've been busy running the Dance Club. Sometimes I want to cut myself some slack and just do my collegework. Wanna stop the downward slide I'm been experiencing in classes this sem.. But I can't. I've committed myself to my role, and though I've never imagined holding this position, I know in my heart I'd rather be a Nobody in Dance Club than a Somebody on the Student Council. 'Cause this is where I want to be. I want to learn, and being President has taught me so much already. First of all, that it really is about serving my members. It's about doing the things others won't, like staying back and staying up and calling left right centre.

Perhaps I'll continue another day. It's been a tiring one, with house chores all morning and music practice all evening and waking up early for keyboard duty tomorrow. Where does collegework fit in? When does the Scholar get to breath from under the DutifulDaughter, the ChurchGoer, and the ClubPresident?

My focus needs airing.


Trials are two weeks away, and the Scholar needs air to breath.

A Minute or Two in Jan's Sunshine

(way overdue)

...was what I spent just before I ran in to make this post - the one I kept putting off, always telling myself there'd be another time when I'd feel less preoccupied. But I never did. The days just rolled one into another, in a cycle as blameless as it is natural; and who am I to stop the order of nature?

I love the sunshine on my lashes, the wind on my cheek. Birdsong cuts through the air, like a forgotten lullaby - my old friends, I am glad to still hear you. Powdered wings flit around and past me; now I barely flinch. Maybe it's true I shall grow out of this fear someday.

Locomotion through the slits in my garden walls bring me out of reverie; but no, it is not the brown dog I was hoping to recognise. And its owner, not the leather-skinned old man who used to grin at us as we pedalled our bicycles across the road in haste, in the sort of fear little children have when they see a sharp-toothed critter coming their way (the dog, not the man).
With a pang of regret, I am unable to recall the last time I saw the brown dog on one of its evening walks. I only remember the shock I felt when, a few years ago, I noticed both dog and owner had grown scrawny and aged together, like partners heading for the same deathbed. And I wonder if he has indeed gone, on to the next world.


I'll now seize the chance to run through the many happenings of January!


9th
Second time in my life hanging out with my cousins from my father's side. They're closer to me in age but we're quite distant. Am glad my older girl cousin takes the initiative to bring us out. We spent the day at Sunway Pyramid drinking smoothies, feasting on Sakae Sushi delectables (scallops were a hot choice with me, thanks to their sprinkling of black pepper), playing pool and basically ignoring the gloves and socks we'd brought for ice-skating.

Lol, one delay led to another and by the time we were done taking photos at Dreamworld, a two-hour spell in chairs sounded nice. Which brought us to Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. Rightly relegated down my list of 'Movies I Wanna Watch' beforehand, it was entertaining in a commonplace way, with characters two-dimensional to the point of being hackneyed (except for the slightly enigmatic Crepsley, well done to John C. Reilly), and a paltry romance subplot thrown in like an afterthought. Just alright.



10th
Michelle Too's newborn sister's full moon party. Scrumptious servings provided by caterers; I had two mid-sized rounds!
Rushed off for the highly anticipated Sherlock Holmes. Was supposed to be a treat for my mother - I lent her my Sherlock Holmes novels later, she was having a binge on him - but was pleased 'nett could join us as well. The show was really good! The writers did the character justice, bringing out his trademark wry humour, uncanny observations, superior intellect, and most of all... his wit. I loved how it was done, especially the men's facial expressions. In comparison with Cirque du Freak, the love interest here hit it off, providing an interesting collage of rivalry, enticement, and undeniable chemistry.



11th
Glad it was a holiday from college. Attended the burial of Giovana's grandmother. I woke up close to 6 in the morning and in my haste forgot to bring my phone along. Only realised when I wanted to call Gio while stuck in a jam outside Summit.
It was a Buddhist affair, an echo of my grandfather's funeral rites - he was my closest relative ever to die, and I was only 6 - except now I was observing it with more understanding. I remember my grandfather's rites as a happy occassion, playing catching to our heart's content, and I, relishing my ability to outrun them.

On this day, my sister seemed calm and unperturbed. Perhaps she'd already spent the worst of her sorrow the preceding weekend - the soul left on Fri, burial was on Mon. Only her mother cried, and hid her eyes behind shades. We had a sunny morning all the way; with dolefully cheerful music coming from traditional instruments, and incense permeating the air - not that I had any particular objection to that.
Gio took me to see the deceased when we reached (it was near Dewan Bahasa and Pustaka in KL). I looked at the elderly figure who had always been in my sister's life, who'd seen me periodically growing up beside Gio, whom I'd shared a vacation bedroom with when I was 13, whom I'd heard snoring... now devoid of life.
After that brief moment, the morning passed with several prayer sessions. Standing at the back and smilingly refusing the joss sticks, we had the view of all other relatives bowing, shuffling and basically waiting for the next instruction to bow. Honestly, if I learnt one Chinese word this day, it was "bai". Several other humorous observations struck me, but I don't recall them now.
A bus to the cemetery. Tying a red sash to my sister. Feeling very 'ang moh'-ish as she translated the priest's instructions. A clod of earth thrown atop the coffin with strictly just one hand. Back onto the bus and back to Subang.

We took advantage of Gio's leave and spent the afternoon at Summit. Lunch at Hainan Chef to see Aunty Karen, then peeked into every photo store to find my cousin - the only one of my age.



12th
Went to the Placement Centre in Taylor's Subang with Carmen. All on account of some important uni-application form. On impulse, I dropped in at the studio across the road. TDC was busy rehearsing for the next day's flashmob and they were using Tik Tok! Somehow or other they got me standing on a chair, recruiting dancers for my flashmob. Which paid off, since half my mob was imported from Subang. Afterwards, I brought Carmen to Patisfrance for a customary 4 scoops of gelato, before picking up something for her mother's designer business.


14th Got my wish, but at a price. Came back late from college, no electricity at home. Got lost on the way to KL Pac. Had problems collecting our tickets. But I did it. Went for Men in Tutus and it was worth it. Funny, engaging, brilliant execution by the hulking ballerinas.


16th Unexpectedly marvellous reports from from all lecturers at the Parent-Teacher Meeting. I felt like a mushroom whose shelter rock had just been removed; the sun was dazzling. But my academics went downhill right after that - this new semester.


22nd Trained hard the whole week leading to this ECA Drive Day. ThDC's first flashmob ever was a success! I was too anxious to demo at the Club booth. Why hadn't Subang called to confirm if I could go get them now? So I left Sri Hartamas a little late and it was jam the way back and Subang crew and I arrived with 5 minutes to spare 'til performance time. I hadn't peed, eaten, or drank in hours. But it was time to go. I remember how my lips cracked into a smile for the audience and how very dry my throat felt as I danced - parched as the sands of Gobi.


30th Showdown 2010 auditions with TDC. Met up unplanned; visit ThDC's blog for details and pics. =]