Saturday, January 14, 2012

Stab


Perplexing how a single scene could take me back


to the world of white beds with metal railings, syringes and instruments that beeped the whole drawn night;
to when I lived each day clutching at each straw of certainty in a haystack of uncertainty, ever wondering if I could learn to be happy, if I could be like ordinary people.
I have often wondered how it works if, every person wanting to be unique, there were a standard into which most fell. And me wanting to fit into that standard, just to stem the pain, would be wishing away that which made myself unique. With time I've come to look back and look calmly, chin up; but at the time it was a series of lows and part of me - a big part of me - wanted out.



And so it took me
Back to being fragile and guarded and - just keeping the pieces together.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Skywalker



Every word is true, and it is just as my heart had spoken. We are soulmates.

 

"We appreciate the beauty of life. The beauty of falling in love. The beauty of growing stronger after each lesson.
 The beauty of the heart." 



Every word is true. And I cry because my heart is out there so plain with you, because at last I've found someone who understands.




What a meaningful start to the new year, and a precursor of what we aim still to be.



I could imagine her on her wedding day, a true princess in a fairytale of white tulle and golden trimmings.
Sunlight in her hair, stars in her eyes.
And I just want to see you married happily ever after. Never cheated on again.




 
In the year before this she experienced "the miracle of finding, knowing and loving" [herself]".

I had a great many defining moments; but only today did I find the summary of my 2011 - learning to be a bigger person.



 I learnt to accept defeat gracefully, because grace is what makes a woman;

to extend forgiveness to those who did not ask for it, because I saw how past years of grudgery had embittered my insides.

To hold my peace where a younger me would have made destruction of disorder,

to listen to poison and know it for just that, nothing more;

to fall flat on my rump and then look upward and onward,
and laugh,
and love.


As I go through this life, I realise there is a fair proportion (not too common, but not too scarce either) of people like me, web-thinkers who connect the dots without trying. Kindred spirits, or those of "my world".

Even though we are little more than a week into the year, already profound moments have found their way in to beautify my life by that much.


What is it about writing that is more enduring than identical words expressed in speech? Is it just that it can be read again and again while the  most  meaningful words spoken tend not to occur exactly as they did last, if ever again?


This year will be significant, I feel it.






Away from my homeland I am free to eat only what I please, spend time according to my needs, and furnish my room as I wish.

 

In just my first semester, there have been so many little things which mattered to me, that I never had at home.
A fruit bowl. Wall hangings. Home-baked muffins. Someone who asked "How was your day?"










White furniture. Warm lighting. Pretty things everywhere I looked.














And I know I am partially indulging in a lost adolescence; my own swallowed by angst and mistrust.


 

 It may seem delayed,


but I am going to laugh, 







 


and have a good time,













   




and feel pretty. 











It may seem strange, but I am both girl frivolous at last, and at the same time, woman growing wise in heart. 





My life philosophy;
to shortchange
.







Oh this is youth, and how glad I am to be living it!






Ps. All photos are original, and personal favourites.