Nev-

What is it that my heart wants to say?
It stopped halfway, and I am searching for its voice.

But if I don't complete the sentence, there is still the possibility of it ending complete in beauty.
Why am I so afraid of marring it by a mistake which I'm not even sure would be a mistake?

Gardomien

And all of a sudden I burst into tears, feeling discouraged, restless, disappointed. Missing. Feels like I'm missing. Feeling discouragedrestlessdisappointed, lodged against one another, no breath between.

Soloist

Watching them play again
The beautiful game

There is something about watching a team train together
The discipline
Commitment
Unity
Watching lean-spindly-stout legs moving in formation, as to some unspoken agreement

And who is that soloist there
In the middle of the field
Following his own regime
Warmups, excuse me little birdie, you chirp so loud,
Squats, two laps, pumping
Now lying back flat on the green
For situps

While I rest here
Under this tree
Of no particular significance
But to ourselves.

In a Single Frame

The first homecoming brought with it an onslaught of reflections, some of which will surface here. But tonight, tonight I am in a rare state.

What is this restless mood come over me, the feeling of wanting to go somewhere but with nowhere to go, of wanting to speak out but - to whom?

If Gen were here I would shuffle in (or as close as I get to shuffling) and plop down on her bed. She would turn and go Hey, what's up? in that familiar voice of hers, and then chat - scientific discoveries, inconsequential happenings, anything in between - until I felt myself again.

So much for coherent train of thought. Here are the fragments:

We can, we can.

Partly because we have to, partly because... time heals all wounds, and memories fade. Indeed, if they did not fade, we would be dead by now.

For who does not have a memory which could very nearly have killed them, in their minds at least?

Feeling queenly with others to do my hand washing, and ironing, and being able to go where I please, whenever I please.

Back to the comfortable silence, so right you don't have to think about it. Going on your way, past rows of houses hearing the sounds or lack thereof they each emit; scrubbing brushes, nagging matrons, babble of children, and sometimes the voice of a piano - accompanying you on your way like a fading soundtrack.

How can I explain

The tears which well up without warning

As I drink in the atmosphere which is my hometown

Familiar yet changed

Knowing I will not come back for some years

And doing so will expose me to another homecoming, another sense of slight misplacement. 

Talking to him I felt changed, toughened.

I remember you knowing just what I meant

As I looked at the space between vaulted plans

And the flames which lined infinity

You saw the glow-patch near us and were quick to feel its beauty

"Your face is full of determination."

May it ever be so, in the face of adversity.

There we were, in a single frame

Before everything went so wrong

Next to her I seemed to pale, like an alabaster iris

Only in want of a sun to melt her reserve

It is disconcerting to know, in sudden flashes, how the old character still emerges. I know I am growing into someone better, and that she is me, but all growth takes time and I shall not begrudge myself that.

"Is this bag full of your clothes?" he might've asked.

Affirmative.

And I wouldn't have told him about the seven pairs of shoes - still in their boxes.

I can hear the crickets tonight. Were they here before?

It is a happy occurrence, either way. Makes home feel more homelike.

Maybe the sounds of the birds were what I missed most

Sunlight filtering through the clouds

Upon my beautiful homeland

For that is what Malaysia is to me, always has been.

What is China to me? I do not identify with its culture, or the shrill language they speak. It irks me to be so readily questioned for not speaking what is supposedly my mother tongue.

I know some dreams I have are of glamour, and I love luxuriating in dainty pleasures, but we are not rich.

If you can hem up all your trousers a little too short and still stand tall in them, I can very well do my own washing and still do good with rough hands.

Now I get it. He never says the words, but his message all this while has always been to

Be where you are.

There is no need to look back, or try to leap forward.

Just be in the moment.

These moments will come, I know.

But it is also time I recognised that the decision is mine to make - pick apart or set aside, mull over or move on.

I know which I'd choose now. I know who I am.

Stab

Perplexing how a single scene could take me back

to the world of white beds with metal railings, syringes and instruments that beeped the whole drawn night;

to when I lived each day clutching at each straw of certainty in a haystack of uncertainty, ever wondering if I could learn to be happy, if I could be like ordinary people.

I have often wondered how it works if, every person wanting to be unique, there were a standard into which most fell. And me wanting to fit into that standard, just to stem the pain, would be wishing away that which made myself unique. With time I've come to look back and look calmly, chin up; but at the time it was a series of lows and part of me - a big part of me - wanted out.

And so it took me

Back to being fragile and guarded and - just keeping the pieces together.

Skywalker

Every word is true, and it is just as my heart had spoken. We are soulmates.

 

"We appreciate the beauty of life. The beauty of falling in love. The beauty of growing stronger after each lesson.

 The beauty of the heart." 

Every word is true. And I cry because my heart is out there so plain with you, because at last I've found someone who understands.

What a meaningful start to the new year, and a precursor of what we aim still to be.

I could imagine her on her wedding day, a true princess in a fairytale of white tulle and golden trimmings.

Sunlight in her hair, stars in her eyes.

And I just want to see you married happily ever after. Never cheated on again.

 

In the year before this she experienced "the miracle of finding, knowing and loving" [herself]".

I had a great many defining moments; but only today did I find the summary of my 2011 - learning to be a bigger person.

 I learnt to accept defeat gracefully, because grace is what makes a woman;

to extend forgiveness to those who did not ask for it, because I saw how past years of grudgery had embittered my insides.

To hold my peace where a younger me would have made destruction of disorder,

to listen to poison and know it for just that, nothing more;

to fall flat on my rump and then look upward and onward,

and laugh,

and love.

As I go through this life, I realise there is a fair proportion (not too common, but not too scarce either) of people like me, web-thinkers who connect the dots without trying. Kindred spirits, or those of "my world".

Even though we are little more than a week into the year, already profound moments have found their way in to beautify my life by that much.

What is it about writing that is more enduring than identical words expressed in speech? Is it just that it can be read again and again while the  most  meaningful words spoken tend not to occur exactly as they did last, if ever again?

This year will be significant, I feel it.

Away from my homeland I am free to eat only what I please, spend time according to my needs, and furnish my room as I wish.

 

In just my first semester, there have been so many little things which mattered to me, that I never had at home.

A fruit bowl. Wall hangings. Home-baked muffins. Someone who asked "How was your day?"

White furniture. Warm lighting. Pretty things everywhere I looked.

And I know I am partially indulging in a lost adolescence; my own swallowed by angst and mistrust.

 

 It may seem delayed,

but I am going to laugh, 

 

and have a good time,

   

and feel pretty. 

It may seem strange, but I am both girl frivolous at last, and at the same time, woman growing wise in heart. 

My life philosophy;

to shortchange

.

Oh this is youth, and how glad I am to be living it!

Ps. All photos are original, and personal favourites.